Do We Really Want Tall Dark and Handsome?

A "Dear Koco" Question and Response.

Nov 26, 2024

“Dear Koco,

I am sure it varies between individuals but I’m curious your thoughts on how much emphasis women place on physical attributes such as height, tall verses short; dark complexion vs light complexion; fit vs fat. Etc… are these a greater concern for women who are genuinely seeking a compatible partner and to what degree are they a concern for women who are generally somewhat more so grounded in reality rather than what media tries to portray as desirable. I wonder if you would be interested in posting about something along the lines of this topic. And is it merely biological in terms of producing healthy offspring- symmetry and height are likely indicators of more biologically desirable offspring.

-Firstsubmission”

Dear Firstsubmission,

Thank you for your question. When I read your question, the instinct is to hang out in logic land and go into an outline of a bunch of different theories and opinions about attraction, our biological nature and society’s depiction of beauty (for men and women) but that would actually be such a bore.

The mental realm is one I spend a lot of time in, but honestly, it’s not where I prefer to inhabit. I prefer to dance with the sensations of my body. To move and be moved in a way that has density to it. In a way that I and others can feel.

And so, instead of trying to logically give you my answer to this question, I shall find the parts of your submission that give me a pulse of warmth between my legs - the indicator that there is some life wanting to be expressed. I will write from that place. Because it is only when I feel alive that something true can flow through my fingertips and onto the keyboard.

The first thing that floats to my mind when reading this question is I wonder what has you ask this question. Perhaps you are a man who is looking for his woman and curious about how much of your God given nature is either contributing or taking away from finding her. Or maybe you’re wondering how much you have available to change in order to be attractive to the kind of woman you want. Or maybe it’s none of these. I understand that there is a real beautiful problem solving nature to men that I greatly appreciate. I haven’t always. In fact, it’s often pissed me off when I have just wanted them to listen. But, the more I have come to love my innate womanness, the more I love men as they are. The more that I recognize my own innate biological gifts, the more I recognize them in men, with no desire to change them. And so, I get it. I get the logical, mental question that wants to understand the mystery world of relating, perhaps so that there is some ability to influence it. It’s beautiful.

Now to get to your question, I will share a bit about my own journey with attraction and how that has shifted with the descent into my body and becoming, only in the last few years, what I would refer to as a woman. Because that journey has dramatically shifted the way I look at attraction, relating, and mating.

You see, I used to say (out loud) that I would never date a man who wore a baseball cap. You know why? Because it indicated to me that he was probably immature, uneducated, unpolished, and couldn’t hang with me and my friends. [I know. Not a good look.] I didn’t actually consciously think these things, but it was the unconscious interpretations that impacted my attraction.

About a year after proclaiming this to my friends, I fell in love with a man who had gone to college on a baseball scholarship, got kicked out half way through and worked at a BBQ Grill cleaning and repair shop. Safe to say this man wore plenty a baseball cap.

He was a complete departure from the type of man I had liked before. And the truth was, that was what got me. Because every moment with him showed me a completely different aspect of the world and therefore, myself. Having your ego gently knocked down can actually be an incredibly hot experience. Less ego equals more life force.

What was also happening was that my body liked his body (and my soul liked his soul). I felt like I had known him forever the moment we met. Biologically, he was also incredibly different from my norm. My previous relationship of 5.5 years (where there was very little sex by the end) was with a 6 ft 2’ red head. This guy was 5’10 and half Cuban and one quarter Mexican. Nothing made sense to my mind, but everything started opening up in the rest of me. And this was the start of the slow shattering of all the ideas I thought mattered when it came to finding a mate.

Now, did I totally surrender all my judgements and clearly see this man for who he was? I wish. But, that would have been too much, too fast for the journey I was on. And so, I held those lightly in the back of my mind. I feared his rough past. I judged him in places where my intelligence surpassed his. I was still very much living in my own mental realm of projections. See, when we live up in our heads, we don’t have great access to the truth, which is felt. In my experience, it’s sensed. It was actually after our break up at the end of 4.5 years that I was catapulted down into my body to meet truth after truth.

And now, when it comes to attraction, I watch how my body responds to a man. Do I feel softer in his presence? Do I open naturally? Do I have an easy or hard time staying in my body? And by that I mean, do I get pulled up into my head often while we’re together or do I feel more than I think? It is less about visual attraction and more about biological attraction.

I have only really been able to tune into these sensations through my own practice of inhabiting my body. The slowing down and nurturing of my subtle senses. It is a re-sensitizing process. One of deep listening. It has also been a process of sobriety - detoxing my womb from all the programs that were coded into it growing up (and passed down through my cells). It has been a humbling one. And this is why the “answer” to your question will depend on where every woman is on her path.

Of course I still have preferences. I love men that are taller than me. I love men whose bodies are shaped by the life they live (not just a gym membership). I love men who look like they could physically protect me.

But I am unattached to those qualities when it comes to meeting my man.

I also hold a few solid standards for what I require in order to actually build with someone. These standards are informed by the ways that I relate to life.

I have recently been feeling in my own personal journey, the nudge to get off the dating apps completely. Because those cater to very visual data points as a first opening. I swipe right to very few men. There are many classically attractive men I don’t swipe right to. Most of them, in fact. Because it’s rare that my body has an authentic response. And if it does, it is usually from something I read on their profile.

I trust nature and I trust God when it comes to finding my mate. And I use the word mate intentionally because my man is not just someone I want to create a life with but someone I want to procreate with. And the body has incredible intelligence (when she’s sober.)

I hope my response has given you something ponder on, even if it created more questions than answers. I thank you for asking me this question. It is a gift for me and I wish you all the best as you navigate the mystery dance between man and woman.

With love,

Koco

And if my writing has touched you and you would like to support me with a one time “tip”, you can always buy me a coffee.

This is the start of my new column, “Dear Koco” - an opportunity for people to submit personal questions and queries relating to all aspects of life. If you’d like to submit a question, you can either DM me or email submitdearkoco@gmail.com. I will respond to ones that I have an authentic reply for.